Dear Congressman Schock,

My first introduction to you was on the Colbert Report, that beacon of Republican sensibilities. I was impressed that you admitted to having a rock hard body, as to assuage the curiosity of young virginal Conservative females of the world. I want you to know that I fully support your stance on having a loaded weapon, and would not mind experiencing it.
Sir, I will be 25 in June, and very proactive in my own community. I entertain the poor success-challenged twenty-somethings online and take great pride in this accomplishment.
Your youth and enthusiasm has inspired me so much that upon procuring your whereabouts, I shall take great interest and meticulous notes on your inspiring actions. I am understated and demure in this self-appointed task, as you might expect a future partner to be. I understand you haven't had time to answer my other letters - I completely sympathize - and I hope this one reaches you in good health. I would like to point out that I know you didn't lie about that six pack. Oh yes, I know.

Adoring Republican Virgin

How To Communicate With Your Girlfriend

1. Ask her why she doesn't cook anymore.

2. Tell her your friends even think she overreacts.

3. Buy her hygienic wipes.

4. Ask her if she think watching you with your neighbor is hot.

5. Detail out your personal history out on Facebook/MySpace.

6. Talk about Chomsky ad nauseum after sex.

Ways to Break Up

1. Get Drunk. Call her friends. Let nature take over.

2. Tell her you are a woman in a man’s body, and definitely not gay.

3. Inform her that according to Megan’s Law...

4. Set her up on a blind date.

5. Leave a sticky note. Call two days later to make sure she's okay.

6. Rub glitter on your shirt, announce the nearby strip club is full of skanks.

7. Take a dump on her floor.

SAHM Ideas

1. Sell Your breastmilk on Craigslist.

2. Start a kid-walking business.

3. Sell your kids’ photos to people obsessed with photo contests.

4. Sell your own photo to people obsessed with photo contests.

5. Start a blog about how to clean up toddler poop from various surfaces.

6. Call it Poops R' Us.