7. Naughty Nurse
6. First Time Drag Queen
5. Ironic Costume
4. Angel with Black Wings
3. Joker
2. Edward Cullen, with unwashed hair)
1. Zombie
Climax Of The Hour is offering cash for some unoriginal costume here.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The Worst Made Up Words/Internet Memes
1. Procacity
2. Sexting
3. Tweeting
4. Teh
5. O RLY?
6. kthxbye
Though some credit the meme phenomenon solely to the internet, we all know where the general rape of the human language originated. No, not Animal House.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buuffyyyy!
2. Sexting
3. Tweeting
4. Teh
5. O RLY?
6. kthxbye
Though some credit the meme phenomenon solely to the internet, we all know where the general rape of the human language originated. No, not Animal House.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Buuffyyyy!
Fat Girls Tries to Sell Virginity
Maggie Trent, second year college student, approached several large news sites for coverage. Rebuffed, she turns to Craigslist for their welcoming arms.
"Most people want it for free." Maggie complained, "I know that Natalie Dylan chick got nearly 4 million for hers. I'm just looking for rent."
Several hits on her blog, 242poundstolove.com, came back as supportive.
'You go mama! show that skinny nothing what a real woman can get!'
'Charge twice as much cause there's twice to love!'
'I have $50!'
But Maggie said she is discouraged by the elitist tone that people are taking about this. "When it's fresh and new, it's funny. When it's a less than 'picture perfect' girl, they think it's desperate. I mean, I could have given it away, like, a dozen times over."
"Most people want it for free." Maggie complained, "I know that Natalie Dylan chick got nearly 4 million for hers. I'm just looking for rent."
Several hits on her blog, 242poundstolove.com, came back as supportive.
'You go mama! show that skinny nothing what a real woman can get!'
'Charge twice as much cause there's twice to love!'
'I have $50!'
But Maggie said she is discouraged by the elitist tone that people are taking about this. "When it's fresh and new, it's funny. When it's a less than 'picture perfect' girl, they think it's desperate. I mean, I could have given it away, like, a dozen times over."
So You Think You Can Depants
Woman saves herself trouble of getting pregnant for fame, and takes the road already established celebrities do; flashed her goods at the camera. A contestant on So You Think You Can Dance wore a white dress that complimented her dark skin, and, apparently, to prove the carpet did indeed match the curtains.
FOX claims they couldn't censor it in time. Right, FOX.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/09/30/so-you-think-you-can-dance-flash-nigel-lythgoe/
FOX claims they couldn't censor it in time. Right, FOX.
http://www.tmz.com/2009/09/30/so-you-think-you-can-dance-flash-nigel-lythgoe/
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
My Meeting with Tim Gunn
Brooke, the unhappy SAHM
Guest Writer
When I first met Tim Gunn, I was not impressed. He hovered around my celebrity friend with a faintly raised eyebrow and a snoot full of condescension. She was ushered into the store's office and given a private meeting while us peons sat out in the main area, browsing clothing I would eat before I wore, for these prices.
They all came out, my friend beaming, Tim wearing his most dour expression. On the way out, he fell in step with me. He glanced over at me, and spoke.
"You know, I'm going to have to include a picture of that luggage."
Confused, I looked at my hands, which were holding nothing.
"Not *that*. Those." I looked at my knee high, fur-lined boots, which I had thought looked good with snug jeans tucked into them. I still did! He went on to say that I did good in choosing the boot-cut style of jeans, as it gives the sense of proportion with such curves, but the boots really did ruin the symmetry, and they had to go. I think he was complimenting my butt. I'm not sure.
He pointed out several items as we walked by; a DKNY white shirt with half-bell sleeves, and a timeless trench that would fall 'just right above the ankle. I had no idea why they would have looked good on me, but I would have mortgaged my house for those outfits right then.
As we reached the door, I realized something. I love Tim Gunn. He was suddenly beautiful to me, with his neat little suits, droopy, beautiful eyes and his tilted low glasses. Dapper, smarmy little man that he was, I was horrified that I was never going to see him again! Where was I going to learn which social occasiona I can wear dark jeans for, and who was going to encourage me to try a flouncy top with skinny jeans. I watched him go, silently crying out, but knowing that I had nothing to keep him.
Don't forget me, Tim.
Guest Writer
When I first met Tim Gunn, I was not impressed. He hovered around my celebrity friend with a faintly raised eyebrow and a snoot full of condescension. She was ushered into the store's office and given a private meeting while us peons sat out in the main area, browsing clothing I would eat before I wore, for these prices.
They all came out, my friend beaming, Tim wearing his most dour expression. On the way out, he fell in step with me. He glanced over at me, and spoke.
"You know, I'm going to have to include a picture of that luggage."
Confused, I looked at my hands, which were holding nothing.
"Not *that*. Those." I looked at my knee high, fur-lined boots, which I had thought looked good with snug jeans tucked into them. I still did! He went on to say that I did good in choosing the boot-cut style of jeans, as it gives the sense of proportion with such curves, but the boots really did ruin the symmetry, and they had to go. I think he was complimenting my butt. I'm not sure.
He pointed out several items as we walked by; a DKNY white shirt with half-bell sleeves, and a timeless trench that would fall 'just right above the ankle. I had no idea why they would have looked good on me, but I would have mortgaged my house for those outfits right then.
As we reached the door, I realized something. I love Tim Gunn. He was suddenly beautiful to me, with his neat little suits, droopy, beautiful eyes and his tilted low glasses. Dapper, smarmy little man that he was, I was horrified that I was never going to see him again! Where was I going to learn which social occasiona I can wear dark jeans for, and who was going to encourage me to try a flouncy top with skinny jeans. I watched him go, silently crying out, but knowing that I had nothing to keep him.
Don't forget me, Tim.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Emo Thinks Country Music is Depressing
Thorn the Emo
Guest Writer
Man, this is damn depressing. So I'm YouTubing "Best I've Ever Had" to look for the screamo remake, and accidentally clicked on some guy named Gary Allan. It was country! I was like, WTF? What does country know about anything? Aren't all their songs about trucks and rodeos and crap? So I start clicking on the related videos on the right.
Holy crap. There's songs like I'm Already There, about some dude who, like, is the whispers in his family's hair or something. Then there's 'She Misses Him on Sunday the Most' and 'Who You'd Be'. All about dead people. I mean, they don't dress in black or scream, but they're really obsessed with death. They should get those people some help.
I had to go to a funeral last month for my great Aunt Janey, and you know what they were playing?
That's right, country.
Sick, man. Real sick.
Guest Writer
Man, this is damn depressing. So I'm YouTubing "Best I've Ever Had" to look for the screamo remake, and accidentally clicked on some guy named Gary Allan. It was country! I was like, WTF? What does country know about anything? Aren't all their songs about trucks and rodeos and crap? So I start clicking on the related videos on the right.
Holy crap. There's songs like I'm Already There, about some dude who, like, is the whispers in his family's hair or something. Then there's 'She Misses Him on Sunday the Most' and 'Who You'd Be'. All about dead people. I mean, they don't dress in black or scream, but they're really obsessed with death. They should get those people some help.
I had to go to a funeral last month for my great Aunt Janey, and you know what they were playing?
That's right, country.
Sick, man. Real sick.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Pregnant Woman Pregnant Again
Julie Grovenburg, in the way of Octomom and Jon and Kate, proves that childbirth can get you your fifteen minutes of fame. Her claim to stardom? The fact she is pregnant with another child 2 and a half weeks AFTER she was already pregnant.
Let's not forget the 19 pound baby born to an Indonesian woman. Not actually rare, but it is wince-worthy. Pay your girlfriend back for all her groin-smashing jokes and send her that article.
Here are the next once thought medically impossible pregnancies to strive for. You know, if that's all you're good for.
1. Pregnant by THREE different fathers.
2. Virgin birth.
3. Siamese triplets.
4. Have Michael Jackson's baby.
5. Sex change, then get pregnant. (Wait...)
So ladies, start bed-hopping! Well, now for something other than raising your self-esteem!
Let's not forget the 19 pound baby born to an Indonesian woman. Not actually rare, but it is wince-worthy. Pay your girlfriend back for all her groin-smashing jokes and send her that article.
Here are the next once thought medically impossible pregnancies to strive for. You know, if that's all you're good for.
1. Pregnant by THREE different fathers.
2. Virgin birth.
3. Siamese triplets.
4. Have Michael Jackson's baby.
5. Sex change, then get pregnant. (Wait...)
So ladies, start bed-hopping! Well, now for something other than raising your self-esteem!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Perceptive Masses
Brilliant speechwriter and master debater Yuu Ti has once again stepped out of his normal routine to enlighten the masses.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090521214736AAgoaWA
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090521213811AADSNoZ
Congratulations Yuu Ti, for your insight and generous contribution to society.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090521214736AAgoaWA
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090521213811AADSNoZ
Congratulations Yuu Ti, for your insight and generous contribution to society.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
How to Market your Website
1. Place "Naked Megan Fox" in the title and keywords.
2. Make a Facebook page.
3. Tell your friends if they don't click it, you'll shank them.
4. Tweet the deets.
5. Write crap that no one believes.
6. Call it FOX News.
7. Seriously though. CNN works better.
8. Die during a viral video. Instant hit!
2. Make a Facebook page.
3. Tell your friends if they don't click it, you'll shank them.
4. Tweet the deets.
5. Write crap that no one believes.
6. Call it FOX News.
7. Seriously though. CNN works better.
8. Die during a viral video. Instant hit!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Student blames ChaCha for Bad Grade.
Randy Hearst, a sophomore attending Desert Ridge blames SMS texting for receiving a failing grade on his latest history test. SMS Answering Services, such as ChaCha and KGB, has been on the rise through viral advertising with teenagers as having the ability to answer any question any time.
"I use them every week to finish up my homework, but I did horribly on my final test last Thursday. I failed the class because of them!" Heart, 15, states emphatically while grounded in his room for the next week. "Its cutting into my skateboarding time. It's summer, man!"
Parents regard SMS texting as a serious threat to their children's education. George Hearst, Randy's father, noticed his son slacking off for half of the semester, noting he never used his books anymore. "But his grades were so good." he stated with a baffled look. "How could they not have foreseen this? Aren't KGB Nazis? Why is my son texting Nazis?"
George is not the only parent baffled. Other parents have been reported to be confused as to their child's sudden knowledge. Discussions on Crosswalk.com forums have lately been centered around this irresponsible knowledge.
"I just found out my son knows that condoms not only protects against pregnancy, but STIs. How does he know what a condom is? And what are STIs?"
Not since Google's efficient nature has any available search engine upset parents so badly. Not only are parents concerned about this form of 'knowledge at your fingertips', but offended that the companies are not censoring their content to the underage.
'Who is going to monitor the youth of today?' is the outcry by other parenting forums, easily topping the last popular thread, 'My kid is cutting himself because he listen to rap'.
ChaCha has not responded officially to our questions, except 'Mr. Ed thinks that sounds kinda horsey. But ChaCha is cheering you on!'
"I use them every week to finish up my homework, but I did horribly on my final test last Thursday. I failed the class because of them!" Heart, 15, states emphatically while grounded in his room for the next week. "Its cutting into my skateboarding time. It's summer, man!"
Parents regard SMS texting as a serious threat to their children's education. George Hearst, Randy's father, noticed his son slacking off for half of the semester, noting he never used his books anymore. "But his grades were so good." he stated with a baffled look. "How could they not have foreseen this? Aren't KGB Nazis? Why is my son texting Nazis?"
George is not the only parent baffled. Other parents have been reported to be confused as to their child's sudden knowledge. Discussions on Crosswalk.com forums have lately been centered around this irresponsible knowledge.
"I just found out my son knows that condoms not only protects against pregnancy, but STIs. How does he know what a condom is? And what are STIs?"
Not since Google's efficient nature has any available search engine upset parents so badly. Not only are parents concerned about this form of 'knowledge at your fingertips', but offended that the companies are not censoring their content to the underage.
'Who is going to monitor the youth of today?' is the outcry by other parenting forums, easily topping the last popular thread, 'My kid is cutting himself because he listen to rap'.
ChaCha has not responded officially to our questions, except 'Mr. Ed thinks that sounds kinda horsey. But ChaCha is cheering you on!'
Friday, May 15, 2009
Kudos.
Brilliant speechwriter and master debater Yuu Ti is taking out time from his busy schedule of penning earth shattering essays and published briefs to answer the questions of the common man, or woman.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090503044216AAvppFg
Congratulations Yuu Ti, for your insight and generous contribution to society.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090503044216AAvppFg
Congratulations Yuu Ti, for your insight and generous contribution to society.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Gays and Troops
In a recent poll done by Time magazine, 89% of people thought it was more important to support gays than the troops.
Every day they're out there, fighting for our rights as people. God bless the gays.
Angie, TX
Today I saw two men proclaiming their freedom, right on the streets. I didn't see the troops doing anything. I say come out of the foxhole, soldiers, and show your pride in who you are!
Jessie, CO
Nobody loses a limb fighting for gay rights. This must mean we're doing something right. Gay marriage, now that's a war I can get behind.
Sammy, LA
Approval ratings show that the positive, uplifting battle against the government appeals more to society today than nasty guns and 'do ruining helmets. The public wants a tangible subject to undermine the policies with, and the troops themselves are not comedy fodder. Ted Black, a local comedian, reported that he made a joke about the men serving in Iraq, and the audience died right then. "It was really demoralizing for me." he stated after the show.
The yellow magnetic ribbons are still outselling the rainbow phallus decals, but Glen of Heaven Sent us, an alternative lifestyle store, hopes that they'll catch on soon. "We definitely need the funds," Glen confided on Thursday, "ever since Will & Grace, our standard of living has shot way up. I can barely afford to fight for my rights and support Gary after he lost his last job because of 'improper conduct'. Damn homophobes."
The acceptance for labels denigrating gay men are at an all time low, while war protest's popularity is rivaled only by the Vietnam War. There are currently 3,563 parades held in the honor of gays annually, and the numbers are climbing.
"My kids love the free candy, and the costumes are always fun. It's better than a circus." Holly, a mother of 3 reports. She's been to every parade around her city, even showed a picture of her daughter resting on the shoulders of a shirtless fireman.
Colonel Sergeant Hatton only asked us to vacate his recruitment office, saying "Please don't return. And take your scarf with you." It was a boa. What a dick.
Every day they're out there, fighting for our rights as people. God bless the gays.
Angie, TX
Today I saw two men proclaiming their freedom, right on the streets. I didn't see the troops doing anything. I say come out of the foxhole, soldiers, and show your pride in who you are!
Jessie, CO
Nobody loses a limb fighting for gay rights. This must mean we're doing something right. Gay marriage, now that's a war I can get behind.
Sammy, LA
Approval ratings show that the positive, uplifting battle against the government appeals more to society today than nasty guns and 'do ruining helmets. The public wants a tangible subject to undermine the policies with, and the troops themselves are not comedy fodder. Ted Black, a local comedian, reported that he made a joke about the men serving in Iraq, and the audience died right then. "It was really demoralizing for me." he stated after the show.
The yellow magnetic ribbons are still outselling the rainbow phallus decals, but Glen of Heaven Sent us, an alternative lifestyle store, hopes that they'll catch on soon. "We definitely need the funds," Glen confided on Thursday, "ever since Will & Grace, our standard of living has shot way up. I can barely afford to fight for my rights and support Gary after he lost his last job because of 'improper conduct'. Damn homophobes."
The acceptance for labels denigrating gay men are at an all time low, while war protest's popularity is rivaled only by the Vietnam War. There are currently 3,563 parades held in the honor of gays annually, and the numbers are climbing.
"My kids love the free candy, and the costumes are always fun. It's better than a circus." Holly, a mother of 3 reports. She's been to every parade around her city, even showed a picture of her daughter resting on the shoulders of a shirtless fireman.
Colonel Sergeant Hatton only asked us to vacate his recruitment office, saying "Please don't return. And take your scarf with you." It was a boa. What a dick.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
How To Keep Your Readers Happy
1. Write a post in your blog stating that all of your readers who don’t like your book “hate thinking”.
2. Write a full length novel, charge full price, and only write in fifteen minutes of real time in it.
3. Insert quasi-bestiality into the story regularly, and insist it is erotic and pushing boundaries.
4. Keep a daily blog about your hardships, whine about critics in there.
5. Then state you never read them anyway.
6. Marry your teenage fan club president. Hey, he’s legal now!
7. Make every one in the book love your character, and anyone who doesn’t is actually insane.
2. Write a full length novel, charge full price, and only write in fifteen minutes of real time in it.
3. Insert quasi-bestiality into the story regularly, and insist it is erotic and pushing boundaries.
4. Keep a daily blog about your hardships, whine about critics in there.
5. Then state you never read them anyway.
6. Marry your teenage fan club president. Hey, he’s legal now!
7. Make every one in the book love your character, and anyone who doesn’t is actually insane.
Friday, May 1, 2009
What should I ask ChaCha?
1. What that unmarked pill is in your parents’ cabinet.
2. If your Guide can talk dirty to you.
3. What households items are good for simulating sex.
4. If Adam is gay.
5. What kind of underwear your Guide is wearing.
6. If Rob Schneider pay Mexicans from Home Depot to choke him while he masturbates.
7. Is ChaCha free?
8. If I have unlimited texting, does ChaCha charge then?
9. Seriously, you guys charge me, don’t you?
10. How much is this bill running me?!
11.You sadistic bastards, I have children to feed!
2. If your Guide can talk dirty to you.
3. What households items are good for simulating sex.
4. If Adam is gay.
5. What kind of underwear your Guide is wearing.
6. If Rob Schneider pay Mexicans from Home Depot to choke him while he masturbates.
7. Is ChaCha free?
8. If I have unlimited texting, does ChaCha charge then?
9. Seriously, you guys charge me, don’t you?
10. How much is this bill running me?!
11.You sadistic bastards, I have children to feed!
If You Get Arrested
1. Confess you’ve never had handcuffs on, but you find it strangely erotic.
2. Slip out of your handcuffs, ask the cop if he can put them on slower this time.
3. Maybe tell you you've been a naughty girl while doing so.
4. Ask if spanking considered police brutality?
5. Inquire if they allow jewelry in the force, such as...wedding rings.
6. Not married, are you? Are you gay?
7. I was just asking! God, how far do they shove that mic in your ear?
8. Ask the booking policeman if they can email you your arrest picture.
9. Mention to the man taking your fingerprints that scuba gear really doesn't leave fibers at a crime screen.
10. Ask your cell mate what they're in for.
11. Tell them you shanked a bitch.
12. Wink at the gangbangers in the cells on the other side.
13. Text while you're waiting for them to finish up the paperwork.
14. Giggle.
2. Slip out of your handcuffs, ask the cop if he can put them on slower this time.
3. Maybe tell you you've been a naughty girl while doing so.
4. Ask if spanking considered police brutality?
5. Inquire if they allow jewelry in the force, such as...wedding rings.
6. Not married, are you? Are you gay?
7. I was just asking! God, how far do they shove that mic in your ear?
8. Ask the booking policeman if they can email you your arrest picture.
9. Mention to the man taking your fingerprints that scuba gear really doesn't leave fibers at a crime screen.
10. Ask your cell mate what they're in for.
11. Tell them you shanked a bitch.
12. Wink at the gangbangers in the cells on the other side.
13. Text while you're waiting for them to finish up the paperwork.
14. Giggle.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dear Congressman Schock,
My first introduction to you was on the Colbert Report, that beacon of Republican sensibilities. I was impressed that you admitted to having a rock hard body, as to assuage the curiosity of young virginal Conservative females of the world. I want you to know that I fully support your stance on having a loaded weapon, and would not mind experiencing it.
Sir, I will be 25 in June, and very proactive in my own community. I entertain the poor success-challenged twenty-somethings online and take great pride in this accomplishment.
Your youth and enthusiasm has inspired me so much that upon procuring your whereabouts, I shall take great interest and meticulous notes on your inspiring actions. I am understated and demure in this self-appointed task, as you might expect a future partner to be. I understand you haven't had time to answer my other letters - I completely sympathize - and I hope this one reaches you in good health. I would like to point out that I know you didn't lie about that six pack. Oh yes, I know.
Adoring Republican Virgin
Sir, I will be 25 in June, and very proactive in my own community. I entertain the poor success-challenged twenty-somethings online and take great pride in this accomplishment.
Your youth and enthusiasm has inspired me so much that upon procuring your whereabouts, I shall take great interest and meticulous notes on your inspiring actions. I am understated and demure in this self-appointed task, as you might expect a future partner to be. I understand you haven't had time to answer my other letters - I completely sympathize - and I hope this one reaches you in good health. I would like to point out that I know you didn't lie about that six pack. Oh yes, I know.
Adoring Republican Virgin
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
How To Communicate With Your Girlfriend
1. Ask her why she doesn't cook anymore.
2. Tell her your friends even think she overreacts.
3. Buy her hygienic wipes.
4. Ask her if she think watching you with your neighbor is hot.
5. Detail out your personal history out on Facebook/MySpace.
6. Talk about Chomsky ad nauseum after sex.
2. Tell her your friends even think she overreacts.
3. Buy her hygienic wipes.
4. Ask her if she think watching you with your neighbor is hot.
5. Detail out your personal history out on Facebook/MySpace.
6. Talk about Chomsky ad nauseum after sex.
Ways to Break Up
1. Get Drunk. Call her friends. Let nature take over.
2. Tell her you are a woman in a man’s body, and definitely not gay.
3. Inform her that according to Megan’s Law...
4. Set her up on a blind date.
5. Leave a sticky note. Call two days later to make sure she's okay.
6. Rub glitter on your shirt, announce the nearby strip club is full of skanks.
7. Take a dump on her floor.
2. Tell her you are a woman in a man’s body, and definitely not gay.
3. Inform her that according to Megan’s Law...
4. Set her up on a blind date.
5. Leave a sticky note. Call two days later to make sure she's okay.
6. Rub glitter on your shirt, announce the nearby strip club is full of skanks.
7. Take a dump on her floor.
SAHM Ideas
1. Sell Your breastmilk on Craigslist.
2. Start a kid-walking business.
3. Sell your kids’ photos to people obsessed with photo contests.
4. Sell your own photo to people obsessed with photo contests.
5. Start a blog about how to clean up toddler poop from various surfaces.
6. Call it Poops R' Us.
2. Start a kid-walking business.
3. Sell your kids’ photos to people obsessed with photo contests.
4. Sell your own photo to people obsessed with photo contests.
5. Start a blog about how to clean up toddler poop from various surfaces.
6. Call it Poops R' Us.
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